The holiday season brings a mix of excitement, obligation, and pressure, and many couples feel the impact more than they expect. As a Vancouver couples therapist, I often hear couples say they feel unusually disconnected or reactive this time of year. But more often than not, it’s simply the stress of the season weighing on the nervous system. In this article, I’m breaking down why this happens, what the holiday stress cycle looks like, and how couples can stay connected even when things feel stretched thin.
Why the Holidays Put Extra Pressure on Relationships
The holidays compress time, expectations, and emotions into a short window. Couples are often juggling family obligations, financial pressure, travel and scheduling, child care, and all the social expectations that pop up at once. We end up with less rest, less routine, and more overwhelm. This is also the season when we all seem to get sick and drink more, which adds even more strain on the nervous system.
As a Vancouver therapist, I see this happen every year. When our nervous system is stretched this far, patience and emotional regulation get harder. We lose some of our capacity for empathy. This is often called the “window of tolerance.” The window of tolerance is essentially the range where our nervous system can handle what’s happening without switching on the fight/flight/freeze/fawn system. When we’re inside it, we can think clearly, stay present, and connect without feeling flooded. We can pause before reacting, stay curious, and actually hear each other.
But when stress piles up, too many plans, not enough rest, being around family dynamics, money stress, illness, drinking more than usual, we get pushed outside that window. Some people go into hyperarousal (snapping, irritability, anxiety, panic), and others go into hypoarousal (shutting down, feeling numb, withdrawing). Neither one is “wrong”, they’re just nervous system responses.
And once we’re outside that window, even the most solid couples can feel more reactive or disconnected. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with the relationship, it just means the nervous system is maxed out. This is something I remind couples in therapy all the time, whether they’re coming in for general support or seeking couples counselling specifically.
The Holiday Stress Cycle
The Gottmans describe a pattern many couples fall into during stressful seasons. One partner becomes overwhelmed, and the other partner interprets the behaviour personally.
The overwhelmed partner usually feels the stress piling up quietly before it shows up in the relationship. Inside, they might be carrying mental overload, feeling responsible for everything, pressure to “make the holidays work,” and fear of disappointing others. This partner might start to seem irritable, withdrawn, shut down, or short-tempered and they may stop making clear bids for support without even noticing.
Meanwhile, the partner who takes this personally may start having their own reactions. These can easily be misread as rejection, disinterest, lack of care, or feeling taken for granted. This partner might slip into old patterns of self-blame or feeling like they can’t do anything right. Hurt replaces curiosity, and the cycle tightens.
When Negative Interaction Patterns Take Over
The Gottmans call these patterns the Four Horsemen: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. They tend to show up right when we feel the most stretched. As a relationship therapist, I often see couples feel ashamed about these patterns, but they’re incredibly common especially under holiday pressure.
Criticism shows up as attacking a partner’s character. Defensiveness often comes out as self-protection through denial or blame. Contempt looks like sarcasm, eye-rolling, or a sense of superiority. Stonewalling is when someone emotionally shuts down because their system is overloaded.
Each one has an antidote:
Criticism → Gentle Startup
Express your needs and feelings without blame. Focus on a specific behaviour and use “I” statements. It’s simple, but it really does redirect the energy.
Defensiveness → Taking Responsibility
Take responsibility for even a small part of what’s happening. Validate your partner’s experience instead of counterattacking. When they’re struggling, try just holding space for them, even if you’re struggling too. These moments tend to balance out over time; it doesn’t stay one-sided.
Contempt → Building Appreciation
Contempt is the hardest pattern on a couple. The antidote is deliberately expressing appreciation and respect, building a culture of fondness and admiration. Remember why you love each other, and say it out loud. It sounds basic, but in conflict it makes a difference.
Stonewalling → Self-Soothing
Stonewalling shows that someone’s nervous system is overwhelmed. They need soothing, not more pressure. Take a break. Regulate. Come back when you feel grounded. I often joke with clients about deep breathing because it sounds too obvious, but it works. Even three slow breaths can shift your entire system.
Accept Repair Attempts
When we’re stuck in an ego battle, being right can feel more important than staying close. Repair attempts also get quieter during stressful times, so try to look for your partner’s efforts without expecting perfection. When you see an effort, any effort, lean into it if you can. Saying yes to repairs builds safety quickly. It matters far more than who’s “right.” And remember: a repair attempt usually comes from love and courage. Notice it. Receive it.
Ending the Holidays With Intention
At the end of the holidays, especially if things were tough with kids, family, sickness, or finances, try to carve out a little time to reflect together. Nothing big or formal. Just a moment to catch your breath as a team.
Each partner can write down their responses to:
- What was the hardest?
- What helped us stay connected?
- What can we do differently next year?
Take turns sharing. When you’re the listening partner, let your own viewpoint step aside just for a moment. Give your partner the floor, knowing you’ll get your turn too.
During this, work on reinforcing that feeling of being on the same team. Use the reflection to strengthen trust, not to keep score.
