The Gottman method is an invaluable tool in couples therapy. Grounded in research, it offers practical, evidence-based techniques to help couples break free from ingrained patterns and create healthier, more fulfilling ways of relating to one another. By focusing on emotional connection and communication, the Gottman approach helps couples move past conflict and rediscover the warmth and intimacy in their relationship. It’s a framework I use to empower couples to foster lasting, meaningful change.
Couples therapy is something I’m deeply passionate about. I’ve had the privilege of working with couples who are navigating real challenges, and it’s always so rewarding to see how even small changes in communication can help them reconnect with the love that brought them together in the first place. When I work with couples, I take an active and supportive role in guiding their communication. At times, I might gently step in when I notice things starting to drift, helping to keep the conversation on track in a way that fosters understanding and connection. I do this because my priority is to ensure a safe and supportive space for my clients. I want to protect them from any potential harm during our sessions and help them start building healthier, more positive patterns of communication.
But I could not do this without the incredible commitment of the couples I work with. I’m always amazed at how they show up, ready to put in the effort to save their relationship, even though they often find themselves stuck in old communication patterns. Sometimes, these patterns began within their relationship, but more often, they trace back to imprints from their parents or caregivers. In relationships, it’s easy to fall into the dynamics we learned as children because our parents and caregivers are our first model of what relationships look like.
The Four Horsemen
Drs. Julie and John Gottman, renowned researchers and psychologists, coined the concept of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: negative communication patterns that can show up in relationships and often signal an impending breakdown if left unchecked. They also developed antidotes to these destructive relationship patterns. With awareness, motivation, and practice, couples can halt the ride of these Horsemen and cultivate a healthier connection.
- Criticism
Criticism goes beyond addressing a behavior and instead attacks the character of the person. It’s the difference between saying, “You didn’t take out the trash,” and “You’re so lazy, you never do anything around here.” Criticism makes the other person feel inadequate and personally attacked, leading to defensiveness and a breakdown in communication. - Defensiveness
When faced with criticism, it’s natural to defend ourselves. However, defensiveness can take on a form that pushes responsibility away, deflects blame, or denies any part in the problem. Instead of hearing your partner’s concerns, defensiveness says, “It’s not me, it’s you.” Over time, this leads to stonewalling and disconnection. - Contempt
Contempt is one of the most poisonous of the Horsemen. It shows up as sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, and disdain. When contempt is present, it conveys a sense of superiority over your partner, belittling them in ways that erode respect and trust. Research by Gottman shows that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. - Stonewalling
Stonewalling happens when one partner withdraws emotionally from the interaction, either to avoid conflict or because they’re overwhelmed. This often leaves the other partner feeling abandoned or ignored. Over time, it becomes harder to reconnect, and emotional intimacy suffers.
How Gottman Therapy Can Help
Gottman Method Couples Therapy is rooted in decades of research on what makes relationships work—and what doesn’t. It’s a very structured and experiential way of doing couples therapy. When I work with a couple, I really think about how I can teach and coach them into subtle shifts in their communication so they can hear each other’s needs rather than get caught up in old communication patterns that are no longer helpful.
When we notice the Four Horsemen—and we all may have one particular Horseman that we tend toward and have to be aware of—the goal is to pause and check in with ourselves. Whose voice could this be, and where is this coming from? Is this the voice of my father, and is my inner child responding to this situation? Am I actually in a safe and loving relationship, and if I am, can I respond differently?
The Gottmans came up with four antidotes, healthier counterparts that we can lean into when we notice the familiar, old, but unhelpful Horseman is around:
- Criticism becomes a gentle startup: Instead of attacking your partner’s character, focus on “I” statements and describe your feelings and needs without blaming.
- Defensiveness becomes taking responsibility: By owning your part in the conflict, even if it’s small, you can show that you value your partner’s feelings and are open to working on the issue together.
- Contempt becomes building a culture of appreciation: Regular expressions of gratitude and respect can significantly reduce contempt. Gottman therapy helps couples rekindle fondness and admiration, which are critical for long-term relationship success.
- Stonewalling becomes self-soothing: When flooded with emotions, learning to take a break and calm your own nervous system before re-engaging is key. Gottman therapy teaches effective ways to manage conflict without disconnecting.
By recognizing these destructive patterns and working with a therapist trained in the Gottman Method, couples can interrupt these cycles and rebuild trust, intimacy, and communication. It’s about learning to listen with empathy, express needs without blame, and turn toward each other rather than away. The road to a stronger relationship isn’t easy, but with commitment and support, it’s possible to leave the Horsemen behind and create a more resilient, connected partnership.
The Power of Bids: How Missing Connection Can Harm Relationships
In any relationship, small moments often have the biggest impact. Dr. John and Julie Gottman introduced the concept of “bids for connection,” which are any attempts, whether verbal or non-verbal, that one partner makes to engage with the other. Research indicates that consistently missing or ignoring bids for connection significantly predicts the likelihood of divorce, as it erodes emotional intimacy and fosters relationship dissatisfaction. These bids can be as simple as asking, “How was your day?” or reaching for your partner’s hand. These small bids are crucial because they are the building blocks of emotional intimacy. The way we respond to them—whether by turning toward, away from, or against our partner—determines the strength of the connection and the future of the relationship.
When we turn away from bids, it can look like not showing interest when your partner is excited to share something or giving the dreaded “uh-huh” response when they’re telling a story. It leaves them feeling unheard and unimportant. Often, the substance of what our partner is saying isn’t the most important piece; what truly matters is how we feel in our nervous system and body when our partner responds. If they show interest and engage, we feel confident, secure, and even happy. This builds the sense of safety and trust in the relationship—the inner world couples share. On the other hand, when a partner doesn’t engage with our bids, we may feel small, rejected, or disconnected. While it might not seem like a big deal in the moment, when this happens consistently, it can feel like death by a thousand cuts, slowly breaking down the sense of security in the relationship.
Couples who turn toward each other’s bids acknowledge and engage, which strengthens trust and closeness. It’s the daily moments of showing interest, curiosity, and care that build a resilient and fulfilling partnership. In my work with couples, I often see how these small shifts can make a huge difference in reconnecting partners and rebuilding emotional intimacy. Recognizing these bids and learning to respond to them is a key part of Gottman therapy, which helps couples cultivate the habit of turning toward each other and creating a secure, connected relationship over time.
Couples Therapy: Take The First Step Toward a Healthier Relationship
At the heart of every strong relationship are healthy communication patterns, emotional connection, and a sense of security. If you’ve found yourself stuck in the same frustrating cycles or feel disconnected from your partner, know that there is hope. Through the Gottman Method and couples counselling, I help couples in Vancouver recognize harmful patterns, reconnect emotionally, and create lasting change. Together, we can work on fostering deeper understanding and empathy so that your relationship not only survives but thrives.
Couples therapy is more than just repairing what’s broken—it’s about learning to communicate effectively, build trust, and rekindle the love that first brought you together. Whether you’re dealing with the Four Horsemen or struggling to turn toward each other’s bids for connection, I invite you to take the first step toward a healthier relationship. Reach out today to schedule a session and start the journey toward a stronger, more fulfilling partnership.
